Wednesday, April 19, 2006
I'm sorry
Today, I was killing time between two events and decided to head down to Low Yat to exchange some bad PC game copies that i bought a while ago. With my luck being what it is these days, I came on the day that the PC game stalls were anticipating a raid, and were all closed. A little frustrated, I grabbed my copy of F1 Racing April 2006, and went down to a cafe on the ground floor to have a lemonade and a pretzel to go with my magazine.
So I was down there, having a ciggy, reading about how Renault is the most awesome team in F1, when i noticed that the railing i was leaning on was shaking. I looked around and saw this girl behind me, sobbing to herself in Chinese. I looked at her for a while, and waited to see her face (boys will be boys). It took her a while to look up, but when she did, she was above-average looking, although I think she'd be prettier if she was happy.
I held the thought for a while, and was wondering whether I should buy a drink and go over. Then I hesitated. What if she was a nutjob? What if she didn't speak English (my chinese isn't quite good enough for consultation purposes)? What if she was cranky or started following me after I bought her the drink? I don't want that kind of responsibility. I also hate awkward moments. Then my thoughts ran to times that I've been in the same situation, sitting in a public area depressed to myself, watching people walk by, just hoping someone would give a shit.
As my thoughts were fighting each other, I looked at my lemonade for a while, then decided something warm would be better. I looked at the menu at the cafe, and decided on a warm cup of tea (RM2.50).
I looked at her again. A rough guy and a middle-aged auntie talked to her briefly, and then went away. I looked back at my magazine, and tried to distance the thought away. Procrastinating. I realised that if I didn't do anything, I would regret it at some point, so I decided to go ahead and buy the tea first, and then after that, there would be no turning back.
So I got up, trying not to look at her (i didn't want her to think I WAS the nutjob), went to the counter and asked for a cup of tea. They were busy with this other Malay dude, so I waited. Just as I got the tea (and I am telling the absolute truth here), the rough guy (apparently her so-called boyfriend) and middle-aged auntie came back, talked to her, and led her away. So I sat back down, sipping the tea that was now mine, and my mind wandered for a bit.
Shit, I almost got whacked. What if the guy thought I was trying to pick her up?
Then I sort've regretted not goin over there earlier. Then I didn't. Then I did. Finally, I decided to take the chicken exit and called it fate.
I actually hate the term of fate. Like Neo said, "I don't like the idea that I'm not in control of my life". But it's a convenient excuse or decider sometimes, nonetheless. Still, back to the main topic, I think that we often hold ourselves back from connecting with people, afraid of the responsibility or the consequences.
I think I'd feel alot better now if I had actually just given her the drink and said something profound, like "Life goes on", or just a simple "are you ok?".
I remember once, during my college loser days, when I found out that I got invited to a party just so everyone could give me a nice whacking. It's not a nice feeling, and it lasted till the next day. I was sitting in front of college, and this rather pretty girl (I still remember her name - Joy Ee) came up and asked whether I was okay. I'd met her once or twice before, but we were acquaintances at best. I told her I'd gone through some rough stuff lately, but that I would be fine. She asked if I was sure, and i nodded. She patted me on the back, and said "Take it easy" and walked off.
And immediately, I started feeling better. The worst feeling isn't rejection, it's loneliness. Sometimes as humans, we just want someone to care that we're alive, and care how we're doing. That a relative stranger could care about another, gives me alot of optimism about the world. Optimism that I wished I had enforced today.
So I was down there, having a ciggy, reading about how Renault is the most awesome team in F1, when i noticed that the railing i was leaning on was shaking. I looked around and saw this girl behind me, sobbing to herself in Chinese. I looked at her for a while, and waited to see her face (boys will be boys). It took her a while to look up, but when she did, she was above-average looking, although I think she'd be prettier if she was happy.
I held the thought for a while, and was wondering whether I should buy a drink and go over. Then I hesitated. What if she was a nutjob? What if she didn't speak English (my chinese isn't quite good enough for consultation purposes)? What if she was cranky or started following me after I bought her the drink? I don't want that kind of responsibility. I also hate awkward moments. Then my thoughts ran to times that I've been in the same situation, sitting in a public area depressed to myself, watching people walk by, just hoping someone would give a shit.
As my thoughts were fighting each other, I looked at my lemonade for a while, then decided something warm would be better. I looked at the menu at the cafe, and decided on a warm cup of tea (RM2.50).
I looked at her again. A rough guy and a middle-aged auntie talked to her briefly, and then went away. I looked back at my magazine, and tried to distance the thought away. Procrastinating. I realised that if I didn't do anything, I would regret it at some point, so I decided to go ahead and buy the tea first, and then after that, there would be no turning back.
So I got up, trying not to look at her (i didn't want her to think I WAS the nutjob), went to the counter and asked for a cup of tea. They were busy with this other Malay dude, so I waited. Just as I got the tea (and I am telling the absolute truth here), the rough guy (apparently her so-called boyfriend) and middle-aged auntie came back, talked to her, and led her away. So I sat back down, sipping the tea that was now mine, and my mind wandered for a bit.
Shit, I almost got whacked. What if the guy thought I was trying to pick her up?
Then I sort've regretted not goin over there earlier. Then I didn't. Then I did. Finally, I decided to take the chicken exit and called it fate.
I actually hate the term of fate. Like Neo said, "I don't like the idea that I'm not in control of my life". But it's a convenient excuse or decider sometimes, nonetheless. Still, back to the main topic, I think that we often hold ourselves back from connecting with people, afraid of the responsibility or the consequences.
I think I'd feel alot better now if I had actually just given her the drink and said something profound, like "Life goes on", or just a simple "are you ok?".
I remember once, during my college loser days, when I found out that I got invited to a party just so everyone could give me a nice whacking. It's not a nice feeling, and it lasted till the next day. I was sitting in front of college, and this rather pretty girl (I still remember her name - Joy Ee) came up and asked whether I was okay. I'd met her once or twice before, but we were acquaintances at best. I told her I'd gone through some rough stuff lately, but that I would be fine. She asked if I was sure, and i nodded. She patted me on the back, and said "Take it easy" and walked off.
And immediately, I started feeling better. The worst feeling isn't rejection, it's loneliness. Sometimes as humans, we just want someone to care that we're alive, and care how we're doing. That a relative stranger could care about another, gives me alot of optimism about the world. Optimism that I wished I had enforced today.
# posted by chak @ 10:48 pm 
